The Book of Mormon Rational Abridgment Project

  Chapter 25 Welcome to Chapter 25 where the prophecies are plagiarized and the plot doesnt matter.  Joseph Smith realizing that nobody understand Isaiah attempts to use the next chapter to make Isaiah make sense to his scribe and maybe anyone that reads this godforsaken book Nephi says yea Isaiah is hard to understand because I didn’t teach my people about Jewish culture because Jews are AWFUL and EVIL.  Laying some really heavy antisemtism dude this is entirely unnecessary.    They already got carried to Babylon. What more do you want? Nephi says I write this so that you too can be afraid of how god will treat you like that AWFUL and TERRIBLE Jewish people if you disobey.  Nephi says Isaiah is super easy for me to understand because I’m a prophet and all Jews are filled with the spirit of prophecy. Which uh Isaiah is written in poetic form that uses extensive symbolism. It’s not supposed to be taken literally. It’s supposed to be hard to understand. ...

  Chapter 24 Last Isaiah chapter (for now)! God says yet again he will gather Israel but this time they will live in peace. Cool after all the bullshit God made them go through it feels warranted.  Lucifer and all that follow him will be cast out and punished by God.  My god we’re finally done. I beat the bullet to the end of Isaiah! The fuck you mean we have another Isaiah chapter in a few chapters! 😭😭😭

  Chapter 23 God will punish the wicked. Some more. Again. Why not. And their families violated and killed. God uh you ok dude? The chapter ends in desolation in a most peculiar fashion.  The KJV *ahem* I mean Book of Mormon version says that satyrs and dragons exist and will fill the lands of dead men.  These bizarre animals come from as per my gf from the Latin Vulgate  “21 But wild beasts shall rest there, and their houses shall be filled with serpents, and ostriches shall dwell there, and the hairy ones shall dance there:   22  And owls shall answer one another there, in the houses thereof, and sirens in the temples of pleasure. The translators of the KJV were so incredibly confused that they just added fairy tale monsters instead of the actual animals.  The same KJV verses say 21 But wild beasts of the desert shall lie there; and their houses shall be full of doleful creatures; and owls shall dwell there, and satyrs shall dance there.22 And t...

  Chapter 22 Jesus comes to Jerusalem and people praise him. Yay

  Chapter 21 Jesus will come and protect the vulnerable and the Jews will be gathered.  What a minute i feel like we’ve heard this before!

  Chapter 20 God condemns those that live in luxury and exploit the vulnerable *cough letting homeless people freeze outside your churches cough* God will punish the wicked and Israel will be gathered.  My man, Joe you’ve taught all of this multiple times, what the actually fuck is this teaching? I know I know you ran out of plot but good god you’ve made Nephi utterly insufferable 

  Chapter 19 Jesus will come and it’ll be glorious but Judah *laughs* you are wicked and fuuuuucked

  Chapter 18 Isaiah’s son signals the Assyrian invasion of Judah. Christ however will debuff the enemies and help Israel! Fear the lord let him be your dread is a hell of a thing to tell believers about 

  Chapter 17 Judah comes under attack. Jesus will be born yay never saw that coming. 

  Chapter 16 Isaiah sees god and god says go teach the people. Isaiah goes ok for how long? God says as long as I tell you fool get going. 

  Chapter 15 Isaiah uses a vineyard as an allegory which is pretty absurd considering in the next book 2 very long chapters are dedicated to a new analogy about vineyard. God destroys the vineyard which is Israel. Joseph loves his eschatology!

  Chapter 14 God will make Zion super cool and righteous dude and way out from the rest of the world. 

  Chapter 13 God is disappointed in the Jews and punishes them rather harshly. God will judge and is disappointed in the wealthy and worldly.  Gee I wonder if that might be the moral for most of the rest of the Book of Mormon. Maybe

  Chapter 12 Isaiah says let’s go to the mountain of the lord which clearly the Jews aren’t smart enough to realize is Zion in Utah  God will bring everyone together in harmony except the wicked who will be burned hurray!

  Chapter 11 Nephi takes back the mic and says and yes yea he said a lot of nonsense but let’s get back to the real star of the show: ME And what I want to do is write 13 chapters of Isaiah in a row. For some reason. Hey I really really like hearing myself talk ok! Isaiah saw Jesus and I saw Jesus and for some reason Nephi Jr,    I mean Jacob saw Jesus too so we should just talk all about Jesus clearly! Anyway, time for the *announcers voice* Isaiah block!

  Chapter 10 Jacob says remember that branch analogy that Lehi used? I’m going to say I came up with that I made this meme Also I’m going to speak of Christ who once again like Nephi I’m having an angel tell me his name. Come on Joe again? You pulled this trick already! An angel just so happened to speak to him the name of Christ and nothing else? And I’m here to prophecy that the Jewish nation are the most wicked people in the world for killing our God! Not specific Jewish people, Jews as a whole! No other nation would kill their god 😬 The nation’s of the world will care for Jews like their family and they will return home and happy. Uh nice fantasy I guess? What the fuck is this? The americas will be a land of liberty unless you’re a black person or native person of course. It’s not like we’d actually care about minorities here right? Also we have no kings Lion king gif Also Zion always wins no matter what. Every conflict. Idk god that sounds like a boring way to do sports Every...

  Chapter 9 Jacob prophesies that the Jews will return to Israel and Jesus will come to Jerusalem. Joseph you’ve said this over and over what is the point dude.  The atonement is necessary else god would have to banish us for wickedness. So let’s get this straight he has to save us from the sins he knows we were going to commit but he just lets us do them anyway? Couldn’t we just be taught to not be bad? Yet again another discrepancy with the trinity. It says the holy one of Israel will judge who is Jesus but current teachings say Jesus will be our advocate not the judge while the father judges. Little trinity artifacts everywhere  The righteous will be saved the wicked won’t.  Then some absolutely wild verses. The deaf will be punished if they don’t hear and the blind if they don’t see. Excuse me what goes uncircumcised of heart mean? That’s very not what you do with a heart dude! Just use the beattitudes please! Those who die in their sins will be forced to face th...

  Chapter 8 Jacob reads even more Isaiah about how Israel will be gathered and the messiah will come and save. Hurray 

  Chapter 7 Jacob reads more Isaiah about the messiah about how god can do anything and your enemies are toast