2nd Nephi Chapter 5

 Chapter 5

Nephi goes uh hey lord my family wants to literally kill me because I won’t shut up and I act superior to them which to be fair I am. 

God tells him dude you need to leave like now. You’re only going to aggravate them more the more you talk. Please shut up for once. 

So Nephi takes everyone sans the families of Laman and Lemuel and the sons of Ishmael and skedaddles the fuck into the wilderness….again

The people go oh Nephi we love you so much we’re going to name this place Nephi and us the people of Nephi. Uh did kidnapper threaten them again? There’s no way obnoxiously righteous dude commands this much respect. 

And they were blessed in wealth by the lord and found lots of cool metal and shit and Nephi then decides….to start making swords like Laban’s? When did he learn the metallurgy and blacksmithing to create swords let alone steel ones in 590 BC

It’s also important to note that there is no archaeological evidence of iron smithing in the Americans precolombus. None. This is so hilariously out of touch with what actually happened. 

Nephi also says he taught his people how to smith and work all matter of materials which is wild because city boy here has only had boat construction knowledge from the lord

Nephi then assumes his former brethren hate him so much that they will try to go through the wilderness to kill him but like why? We know he’s annoying but there’s no indication that once he’s gone that they would care

Nephi then by himself and his brethren then attempt to build *checks notes* Solomon’s temple? How egotistical do you have to be to try something of that size with a ragtag group of refugees?

Like sure the lord can tell him how to do it but that temple is huge! They’re just trying to start civilization! How do they spare the manpower?!

Nephis people are like we know you want it just be a king for us ok and get it over with. He goes no I don’t think I will. I only wanted to be king of my brothers but they took that away from me!

Then, you know it was coming do we have the most well known and reviled verses in the Book of Mormon. 

Yup God gets mad at Laman and Co and curses them black which Nephi was said so they wouldn’t entice his seed. 

Though attempted to be changed it originally said that lamans people were changed from white and delightsome to a skin of blackness. Remember the curse from earlier? It’s this and god can remove it from you but only if you are righteous 😬

Nephi says that because the Lamanites become black they stop working hard and are dishonest and deceitful and did become hunters. This implies that these are inherent conditions of dark skin which is just….fucked

God then says hey so you know your brethren are lost but I can still threaten you and your people. Obey or you’ll be destroyed. Which isn’t much of a threat since we know ALL the Nephites die later. 

Nephi then makes this specific set of plates? So he supposedly remembered 30 years of history perfectly? What was the point of the plates created 10 years ago? Why didn’t god have these plates made at the same time? None of this makes any sense!

Nephi says oh by the way 40 years passed and we’ve been warring with the Lamanites. Can you call it a war with these small groups? Sounds more like a feud that Nephi is leaving out some details 

Thus ends the plot for about 40 pages. Welcome to Isaiah and prophesying hell.