2nd Nephi Chapter 1

-

2nd Nephi 

Chapter 1


Nephi finishes speaking and Lehi gets his old ass up and decides to recount much of the plot that we just got done listening to. Golly joy. 


Lehi says the lord says this will be our land forever in America where definitely no outside nations will plunder and nearly drive our people to extinction. Definitely not. 


And what do you mean people from other countries. What is a country in 600 BC? We barely have city states so nobody knows! Also lehi hasn’t had the same visions of Nephi so uh, Joseph man, could you read one of these history books please? This is getting embarrassing dude. 


Lehi then says something incredible. Nobody is allowed to come to America unless they were blessed by god. So Hernan Cortez, Francisco Pizarro, Christopher Columbus, God has blessed all of them to pillage and rape the people of the Americas. 


Important to note the land of America is understood in mormonism to be the north AND South American continents and Book of Mormon scholars tend to agree that Lehi landed in Central America and most Book of Mormon history happened there. So no excuse that this would only apply to the US. 


He says this will be a land of “liberty,” a 14th century creation where no one that obeys God will be put in captivity. Gotta love the Chattel slavery happened because God decided Africans were not righteous enough argument. Jesus Christ. And slavery of natives that started in the 16th century. It’s…bad, it’s really bad. 


Lehi then says no one else can know about this nation because then they’ll destroy it. 


Wait a minute, didn’t you just say that being here is a safe space? And nation states definitely weren’t a thing just so we’re clear!


Lehi says but y’all bastards are going to be unrighteous so good luck. You’re going to need it. Good luck Charlie


Lehi reiterates that the holy one of Israel is the messiah, Jesus who judges you! Again completely out of line with modern day Mormon teachings. Nice Nicene Creed you got there. Would be a shame if it went missing 😏


Lehi says because they are wicked other nations will smite his decedents. Lehi slyly turns to his entourage and says oh yea they’ll kill you and your kind if you aren’t righteous *wink*


He continues if you bastards would just be righteous I wouldn’t have to be worried but hey I’m here, once again….


God will kill you. Please don’t let him. Sounds like a hostage situation honestly. This is the God you sing praises to?


Lehi further continues oh I wish this wouldn’t happen but god is righteous so if he kills you oh well it’s justified. Cold that’s fucking cold dad. 


Lehi is just becoming Nephi senior and tells them to stop complaining about Nephi. He’s had great mushrooms and seen incredible things man. He’s on the right path and you all just don’t understand him man. 


Lehi recites the best of Nephi helping them again in case you forgot about Nephi’s impossibly goody two shoes deeds. 


Lehi threatens to take away the birthright and give it to Nephi as what Jacob did to Esau. Weird but ok. 


Lehi remembers Zoram the kidnapped man exists and says you follow Nephi you won’t get destroyed either. Just you know be careful *wink* 


Thus ends the first chapter of the worst book of Nephi. Yes worse than 4th Nephi bite me. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

2nd Nephi Chapter 18

-
  Chapter 18 Isaiah’s son signals the Assyrian invasion of Judah. Christ however will debuff the enemies and help Israel! Fear the lord let him be your dread is a hell of a thing to tell believers about 
Read more

2nd Nephi Chapter 9

-
  Chapter 9 Jacob prophesies that the Jews will return to Israel and Jesus will come to Jerusalem. Joseph you’ve said this over and over what is the point dude.  The atonement is necessary else god would have to banish us for wickedness. So let’s get this straight he has to save us from the sins he knows we were going to commit but he just lets us do them anyway? Couldn’t we just be taught to not be bad? Yet again another discrepancy with the trinity. It says the holy one of Israel will judge who is Jesus but current teachings say Jesus will be our advocate not the judge while the father judges. Little trinity artifacts everywhere  The righteous will be saved the wicked won’t.  Then some absolutely wild verses. The deaf will be punished if they don’t hear and the blind if they don’t see. Excuse me what goes uncircumcised of heart mean? That’s very not what you do with a heart dude! Just use the beattitudes please! Those who die in their sins will be forced to face th...
Read more

1st Nephi Chapter 2

-
Chapter 2 Lehi gathers his family and they flee into the wilderness because nobody cares to Stone you if you run far enough or maybe they just can’t throw that far. Who knows. Need some Nephi arms  Laman and Lemuel are like we were rich and you want us to live in the fucking wilderness? Dude wtf Nephi is like I’m young but I’m buff as hell as spiritual and gifted and I’m sure bragging about this won’t make my brothers hate me If it’s not clear Nephi is Joseph Smith’s stand-in While the church likes to represent him as a buff 20 something given the time period Nephi is probably like 14-16 considering none of his siblings are married. Maybe younger. It’ll make Nephi make a lot more sense. 
Read more