1st Nephi Chapter 16

 Chapter 16!

Nephi’s less spiritual tm siblings are like if we fuck up we go to hell? That’s kind of rough bro. 

Nephi scolds them and says sounds like a skill issue bro. Nephi goes on if you were wicked yea this sucks just be righteous and spiritual like me it’s easy duh. 

Idk has his voice even dropped yet? Idk how you’d take him seriously otherwise. Maybe tying him up is a courtesy because he won’t fucking stop talking 

Nephi says pretty please be good and they go fine. 

Nephi and his brothers and even the servant of Laban who is happily kidnapped all get married and they was much rejoicing and loud noises that night. 

Lehi goes on another drug trip fueled adventure and finds a magical brass compass called the Liahona. It runs on righteous magic and tells you where to go. 

Are…are we sure this isn’t a DND campaign gone awry?

The Lehite crew follows the magical compass into different wilderness that nobody would ever think of inhabiting. 

Not particularly a joke. They are in Jordan or Saudi Arabia at this point. Wilderness is less trees and more shrubs and desert. No wonder Laman and Lemuel are constantly pissed 

Nephi breaks his steel bow. Yes as we know ancient steel was definitely known for its bendy properties. 

Mormon apologists say haha steel is actually bronze. Which if so why doesn’t the Book of Mormon say that? Joseph your archaeology is lacking bro. 

Nobody else has a bow so they can’t hunt food and everyone goes goddammit I’m so hungry. 

Nephi goes omg stop complaining to which I’m sure they say dude you complain literally all the time about us 

Nephi has to one up the crew so he prays and makes a new bow. Somehow. Not sure how he learned this skill or the tools to do so. Spiritual magic. 

He also makes just a single arrow because Nephi is just built different 

Lehi feels so bad and such a fuck up that Nephi when tells him to shut up he gets severely depressed. Nephi says it’s because he’s been chastened by the Lord. It’s more likely Lehi regretted creating Nephi in the first place 

Magic compass has magical scary words and all not Nephis get scared of it saying something probably like god I’m sick of your shit. 

Magical ball is also apparently a magical horoscope saying shit whenever Joseph smith needs to move the plot along 

Nephi no scope 360 headshots some animals and brings food and there is much rejoicing!

Oh no but Ishmael got poisone— I mean died of natural causes definitely not so his family would lack patriarchal figures! People are upset again! How dare!

Lemuel and co are like ok this was fun and all but we’re done here following stoner prophet and goody twoshoes son. Let’s kill them so we can leave 

Nephi yells at them a lot. Like a lot a lot and says he spoke with the Lord and his siblings learned don’t plan your murder plans where your victims can hear.